Authors note: This blog has been many things over time but most of all a personal expression of emotions. Yes, my journal. This post, I’ve been told is one of the saddest I have written in a while. It has no big inspiring point or fun sarcastic gif’s. Just a journal entry. Read accordingly.
Want to crush a mom? Tell her that her child is very sick and she didn’t notice. Yep, that’s pretty much the way to ruin her day.
Baby Boy has had stomach issues since he started chemo at 7 weeks old… it comes with the territory of chemo. His last systemic chemotherapy treatment was a year ago. Consistently in this last year his major acid reflux has been a problem, keeping him up at night and in pain. We thought at one point he is getting better…but taking him off the medicine made it get bad enough he was having a hard time breathing. He is back on the meds, but at our appointment on Friday with an oncologist, it was brought up that chemo would not be doing this. Something else was wrong.
He had been tested for the cause, right?
The pediatrician and I thought it was the same thing you told us over a year ago…chemo messes with the stomach.
Infection was a word thrown out…. fantastic. So six months ago, we could have started figuring this all out but because of whatever reason, the right questions were not asked, and my son had just continued to suffer.
This is not the first time… on Thanksgiving of 2013 we took BB into the ER because he had a fever. Turns out he had an infection that landed us in the hospital for 3 weeks. But before we got there, they told us something else: he had pneumonia. He was on the middle to end of it…
We didn’t know. The chemo side effects masked the symptoms.
My son was sick for weeks with pneumonia and I didn’t know. It’s become a crippling fear of mine, and it’s happened again.
Now, something is wrong with my son’s stomach and I don’t know what….and could have done something sooner.
I am not beating myself up, nor do I even feel unforgivably guilty…it just hurts. It makes me nauseous and sad. It makes me want to curl up in bed and never leave and have a panic attack while I am there.
So much is unknown. New tumors. New treatments. New side affects…oh wait, those are not side effects — it’s something worse. What else do I not know? What else is coming?
What more is going to cause my beautiful son pain?
I mean, I don’t even want to get a dog because I am terrified to get emotionally attached and then the dog will die. I will have to make hard medical decisions, give shots, or do anything if the dog gets sick….I can’t handle just the thought, let alone actually going through with it. I am spent. My family would be a great family to love and care for a dog, but I can’t emotionally handle being responsible for another “person” right now.
Life isn’t easy. I get that. I can be strong and do what I need to do. I can look on the positive and truly find hope. In some ways it’s getting harder. I am ready to move on. I am sad, traumatized, and just want my son to be okay. I have fallen for the “he could be cancer free by…” too many times.
I just want his pain to stop.
Dare I say, I want my pain to stop.
I want this whole thing to just stop. I wish I could end this on a hopeful note, like I usually do, but that wouldn’t be honest to how I feel. I know we’ll be okay, better is to come, BB is doing pretty damn good considering, and all that good stuff.
Tomorrow is a new day…It will probably be better, but today I am just going to be sad.
That is all.